You Love Your Kids Equally. But Should They Both Be Trustees?

You're sitting there filling out your estate planning documents, and you get to the trustee question. You have two kids. You love them both equally. So naturally, you name them both. Fair is fair, right?

Well, not necessarily.

Here's the thing. Choosing a trustee isn't about picking your favorite child. It's about choosing the right person for the job. And trust me, managing a trust IS a job.

When I help families make this decision, we're looking at more than just names on a piece of paper. We're talking about family dynamics, personalities, the assets involved, and what you ultimately want your estate plan to accomplish. Then we figure out who is actually best suited to handle the responsibility.

Your kids can absolutely inherit equally without having equal responsibility. And yes, sometimes naming both children as co-trustees works beautifully, especially when they communicate well and have clear expectations. But sometimes? Not so much.

The question isn't whether naming both kids feels fair today. It's whether they'll be able to work together and make decisions when you're no longer there to referee.

And with Estate Planning Awareness Week here, it's a great time to ask yourself something beyond “Do I have a trust?” Are the people I've named actually the right people for the job?

Trustee Is a Job Title, Not a Birthright

Let's talk about your successor trustee. That's the person who steps in when you can no longer manage your trust or after you've passed away. And this isn't exactly a ceremonial position. Your trustee needs to understand your instructions, track down assets, keep records, communicate with beneficiaries, and potentially manage property, investments, and tax filings.

In legal terms, a trustee is a fiduciary. Basically, that means they have a legal obligation to manage the trust for the benefit of the people it's intended to protect, not simply do whatever is easiest for them. It's a real job with real responsibilities.

So please, don't automatically name your oldest child just because they're the oldest. And don't assume the child making the most money or living down the street is necessarily the best choice either.

What really matters? Can they handle responsibility? Make difficult decisions? Deal with family disagreements without losing their cool? And perhaps most importantly, do they know when to ask for help?

Here are a few questions I want you to think about:

• Do they have the time? Managing a trust involves paperwork, deadlines, and responding to people.

• Can they communicate? Especially when someone doesn't like the answer they're giving.

• Will they follow your wishes? Even when another family member has a different opinion.

• Will they ask for help? Attorneys, accountants, and financial advisors exist for a reason.

• Are they reasonably accessible? Can they get to the property, records, or professionals when needed?

And one more thing. Just because you want someone to be your trustee doesn't mean they want the job. Have the conversation before putting their name in your documents. Someone can love you dearly and still have absolutely no interest in managing your trust.

A willing, capable backup is far better than a first choice who feels obligated to take on something they're not equipped to handle.

The bottom line: Being your child doesn't automatically qualify someone to manage your trust. Choose the person who can actually do the job, not the person you think deserves the title.

Two Trustees. Twice the Help or Twice the Headache? 

You might be thinking, “Perfect! One kid can handle the money, and the other can deal with the house.” Sounds like a great division of labor, right? Well, maybe. But just because your kids agree to split up the work doesn't mean they're off the hook for their shared legal responsibilities. The trust and applicable law still control.

And let's clear something up. Co-trustees and successor trustees are not the same thing. Co-trustees serve together. Successor trustees step in when it's their turn under the trust. Naming your daughter first and your son as her backup is very different from putting them both in charge at the same time.

So before you name both kids, let's talk logistics. Do they both need to agree on every decision? Can one handle the day-to-day stuff? What happens if one is on vacation, unavailable, or simply doesn't respond? The answers depend on how your trust is written and the law that applies. And no, two trustees don't automatically mean two signatures on everything.

Some trusts allow a majority of trustees to make decisions when there's a disagreement. But here's the problem with two trustees: If they disagree, it's a tie. And a 1–1 vote doesn't exactly get you very far.

Let's say the trust owns a house that needs a $12,000 repair before it can be sold. One child wants to get it done immediately. The other wants another estimate. Both have reasonable arguments. But meanwhile, the house is sitting there, the bills keep coming, and what should have been a simple decision is turning into a sibling showdown.

The bottom line: If you're naming your kids as co-trustees, make sure your trust explains how they'll work together, what happens when someone is unavailable, and how disagreements get resolved. Because “they'll figure it out” isn't much of a plan.

Same Love. Different Jobs. And That's Okay. 

Picture this. You're gone, and your two kids are sitting across from each other. One is the trustee, responsible for deciding when money gets distributed. The other is asking, “So, when do I get my inheritance?” Suddenly, their relationship has a whole new dynamic. And not necessarily a fun one.

That doesn't mean your child shouldn't be a trustee. It just means you need to think about the family dynamics you're creating. Because trust me, whatever sibling issues existed before aren't magically disappearing because you signed a trust.

I'd much rather have this conversation with you now than leave your kids to figure it out while they're grieving. Maybe one child has always been the responsible one, and the other has always hated being told what to do. Now imagine putting them both in charge of the family money. What could possibly go wrong?

The good news? You've got options:

• One child takes the lead, with the other named as backup if needed.

• Both children serve together, with clear rules about how decisions get made.

• An independent trustee handles things, keeping family relationships out of the financial decisions.

• A family member and professional serve together, combining personal knowledge with professional experience.

There's no one-size-fits-all answer here. Professional trustees charge fees and may have requirements about the assets they'll manage. Family members know your wishes but might need some guidance. And co-trustees can bring different strengths to the table, assuming they can actually work together.

Before deciding, ask the practical questions. What does a professional trustee charge? What assets will they accept? How do they communicate? And if you're naming a family member, have you actually asked whether they want the job and what help they might need?

Remember, you're not just filling in a blank on a document. You're choosing who will manage your assets and potentially navigate some pretty sensitive family situations.

The bottom line: Giving your kids different responsibilities doesn't mean you love one more than the other. Sometimes, it's the smartest way to protect both their inheritance AND their relationship.

Your Trustee Shouldn't Have to Play Detective. 

You've carefully chosen the perfect trustee, but you never actually told them. Then something happens, and suddenly they're handed a trust they've never seen, accounts they can't find, and responsibilities they didn't even know they had. Surprise! You're in charge!

Not exactly setting them up for success, right?

And here's something important. Just because someone is named as your successor trustee doesn't mean they can immediately start making decisions. Your trust spells out when they can step in and what needs to happen first. That's something we walk through together so your family understands how it actually works.

Also, your trustee isn't automatically in charge of everything you own. They're responsible for assets held in your trust. Other assets may be handled by your power of attorney agent, executor, or designated beneficiaries. Different jobs, different responsibilities. And yes, they all need to work together.

So let's make things easier for everyone. Keep your current trust, asset information, and professional contacts organized somewhere secure. You don't need to hand everyone the keys to every account, but the right people should know where to find the information they're legally entitled to access.

When we choose your trustee, I'm looking at the whole picture. Family relationships, the assets involved, and the professionals who can help. Because even the most capable person shouldn't have to figure everything out alone.

And here's one more suggestion. Tell your kids WHY you made your choice. Something as simple as, “I chose your sister because she's comfortable handling the paperwork, and I've arranged for professionals to help her,” can go a long way.

That's a whole lot better than leaving everyone wondering why one sibling got the job and the other didn't.

The bottom line: Don't just name a trustee and call it a day. Make sure they understand the job, know when they can step in, and have the tools and support to actually do it.

Your Trustee Isn't a Set-It-and-Forget-It Decision

The perfect trustee today might not be the perfect trustee five years from now. Life happens. Your child might move across the country, take on a demanding job, face health challenges, or experience changes in family relationships. And don't forget to check your backup trustees, too!

That's why I always say estate planning isn't a one-and-done deal. Through our ongoing Personal Family Lawyer® relationship, we revisit these decisions as your life changes. And when your family needs guidance, they have someone who already knows your plan, understands your wishes, and knows why you made the choices you did.

The bottom line: Choosing the right trustee is important. Making sure they're still the right person, and prepared to do the job, is just as important. Your estate plan shouldn't collect dust after signing day.

Don't Just Fill in the Blank. Let's Make a Plan. 

Here's a little homework. Before you name someone as trustee, actually ask them if they want the job! Then think about whether there are any concerns with your choice. Will your kids work well together? Does one have the time? Are you naming both simply because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings?

And please, don't name a second trustee just to avoid an awkward conversation. That could create a much bigger headache down the road.

At 20West Legal, we don't believe in cookie-cutter estate plans. As your Personal Family Lawyer® firm, we help you create a Life & Legacy Plan that reflects your family, your assets, and the relationships you want to protect. Together, we'll figure out who's right for the job, what support they'll need, and how everything fits into your bigger plan.

And remember, our relationship doesn't end on signing day. When life happens, your family knows who to call.

Ready to make sure the right people are in charge? Schedule a complimentary 15-minute discovery call: https://pages.20westlegal.com/schedule/15-minute-intro-call

This article is a service of 20West Legal, a Personal Family Lawyer® Firm. We don’t just draft documents; we ensure you make informed and empowered decisions about life and death, for yourself and the people you love. That's why we offer an Estate Planning Session, during which you will get more financially organized than you’ve ever been before and make all the best choices for the people you love. You can begin by calling our office today to schedule an Estate Planning Session.

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